Did you know that it's possible you and your child don't speak the same language? Have you ever looked at your child and thought that you just don't understand them, that they seem so different from you and you're not sure how that happened? It's likely that you and your child speak different love languages! Let's take a look at how this reality impacts our relationships with our children.
When we are new parents we often feel an overwhelming sense of love for the precious
new soul that now takes up space in our home and heart. As our child grows and we learn more about them as an individual we begin to see snippets of their own personality shining through. Maybe one child is slow to warm up and struggling to speak to new people while another is boisterous and the first to make friends anywhere you go. Perhaps one child constantly wants to sit on your lap, hold your hand, and get cuddles, while another barley seems to give you a hug as they run out the door! It can sometimes feel frustrating as a parent, trying to navigate the personalities of our children, especially if they are different from our own. All humans tend to give love the way we would like to receive love, and the challenge comes when the person we are trying to love doesn't want love in the way we offer it!
What is a Love Language?
On our journey to building strong families by intentionally parenting our children well, one important item to consider is the love language that your child speaks and how to then show them love in that way! But, if we don't know what love languages are or how to speak different ones, then we can't get very far in loving our children well. So, let's begin by pausing to learn about what a love language is.
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (authors of The Five Love Languages) define a love language as one of five communication styles in which your child (or any person) best expresses and receives love. Finding out which style best fits your child is the key to unlocking a thriving, loving relationship!
What are the 5 Love Languages?
The book, The 5 Love Languages of Children (Chapman and Campbell) is a wonderful resource that will allow you to dig deeply into each of the languages and help identify which one your child most identifies with. For the sake of our conversation today, let's briefly take a look at some of the characteristics of each one.
Language #1: Physical Touch
Hugs, kisses, holding hands, pats on the back, wrestling, cuddling and many other types of touch are all ways to express love through physical touch. Your child might express this language when they're small by wnating to be picked up, always wanting to sit on your lap, or have you lay and cuddle them in bed at night. This child needs to feel you close to them as your touch is transferring the message, "I love you!" right through their little body!
Language #2: Words of Affirmation
For this child, look for ways you can give specific, positive feedback often. They want to know that you notice what they did, and you feel good about it. This doesn't have to be affirming only big things; sometimes something as small as, "I noticed how nicely you held that door open, thank you!" fills them with love. These children want to hear what you love about them.
On the flip side, words that are harsh and cutting will likely sting more for this child. They hold on tightly to the words spoken over them, so we want to make sure they are positive and build them up!
Language #3: Quality Time
Playing and spending intentional time together is key for this child. If you have multiple children, your kiddo who speaks the language of quality time needs time with you without their siblings. Often, it's not actually about what you are doing, more that you are doing it together and that the child is receiving your undivided attention. Think about how to have quality conversation during this time, talking about the things that matter to your child. Find out what's on their mind and heart. Make eye contract and respond with encouragement as they share.
Frequency matters, too! You may only be able to squeeze 5-10 minutes of one-on-one with each child during the day, but if you do that consistently each day, they will begin to look forward to that time as special for the two of you. So get ready to curl up on the couch or take a walk and enjoy that time with your child!
Language #4: Gifts
Giving and receiving gifts can be a powerful language that communicates love even years later. The most meaningful gifts are ones that convey the love we have for the person we are gifting the item to. To make that happen, the gift giving must be accompanied by the expression of love through the other love languages as well. Gifts can range in value from costing nothing to being a significant investment. The money spent on the gift rarely matters...instead the recipient is noticing the time and attention you took to make the gift special. Think about the wrapping and presentation, what you say along with presenting the gift, when you give it, etc. For a child who speaks this language the giving of gifts is as significant as receiving them. They're the ones who come running with a scrap of paper they've poured over to make the "perfect" note to tell you they love you and they're anxiously awaiting your response as they present it to you. Remember to show your excitement and validate their expression of love!
Language #5: Acts of Service
As we dig into this language I want to remind us all that while some of our children do speak this as their primary language parenting in general is a selfless expression of love for our children. For our children who primarily speak this language, when they ask you to fix a broken toy or help them with something, they're not only asking for the task to be completed, but they're asking for you to invest time into showing them they matter. While we start out by serving our children in most ways as they get older it's appropriate to teach them how they can serve themselves and also how they can begin to serve others. Allow them the chance to help in the kitchen, with laundry, etc, even if it means the job doesn't get done perfectly or takes a bit of extra time. Notice and praise their effort and attitude as they serve.
What Now?
Now that you have an idea of each of the love languages the task is to identify which language your child speaks. It would also be great to think about yourself and which language you most often speak as well. If you feel unsure you can take this quiz to find out your language as well as your child's. Then the next step is to begin to practice speaking to your child using their primary language. Don't worry if it feels a bit uncomfortable or awkward at first. Remember that you're learning something new and each time you are brave enough to try you are one step closer to connecting with your child in a new and powerful way!
Now you're ready to get started on the path to a more loving and connection-filled relationship with your child which in turn will help strengthen your entire family! May this be a blessing to each of you!
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